Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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