I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
