Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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