Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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