it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
