I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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