And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
