careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
