just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
