you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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