You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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