when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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