yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
