Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
