Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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