I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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