I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
is that a dick in a sweater?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
