I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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