my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
