so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
