just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
