He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
