You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
