And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
