Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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