i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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