I just made out with a guy for $7.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
