the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
