If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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