My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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