I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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