Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize