Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
