Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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