just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
