it was like eating out sand paper
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
