We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
