We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
