Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
