Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
