i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
