It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
