You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Randomize
