i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
