Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
