new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
