Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Randomize
