i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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