how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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