sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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