Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
