I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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