I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize