We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
