Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
