I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
