I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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