I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
