So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
