All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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