My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
All I want is dick and wine.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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